Jan. 17th, 2009

captaintemerity: (The Monster Kitten)
Had some minor heartburn last night, but the Tums took it out pretty quick.  And I'm well-aware of it being because Erin forced me to make her no-bake chocolate/peanut butter/oatmeal cookies at 11pm, which I shouldn't be eating right before bed.  Or probably at all, but certainly, chocolate transfers pretty quickly to acid reflux at night.

Today, I was doing fine, I thought, until the late afternoon.  I started getting really dizzy and had a beaut of a headache going.  Even after self-medicating, I knew I was coming down with something.  I didn't feel up to driving or going out, so I wound up missing Game (I hate cancelling last minute... sorry, guys), and stayed home with Erin.  We finally watched Hancock, which we both enjoyed pretty well, and went over our Netflix queue to add in movies she wants to see (I'd actually picked a number I thought she'd like already, but then she saw the Horror section and went nuts).  My head is doing better, but I'm still a little fuzzy, so I don't know how I'll be tomorrow.  I've got some clients that are relying on me this weekend, so I don't think it would be a good idea to miss work (not that it ever is).  I'm hoping a good night's sleep will clear things up.  Hearing about some of the flu bugs going around out there isn't encouraging.

Erin and I had a nice talk tonight as well.  Mostly about how I view myself verses how I perceive (or believe, at least) others to view me.  To be honest, I've allowed myself to become someone I don't think people expect to take seriously at all.  In some ways, it's very liberating.  I can make jokes, and some of them are the most awful, tasteless, sexist and horrible jokes... yet they don't seem to offend anyone.  Which is good, because I never intend to offend anybody, and if I thought I was, I'd lay the hell off of it.  But the quick cuts and joking... it doesn't really make it seem like I'm capable of much depth.  It also makes it sound like, I would think, that I actually believe any of the shit I say.  And I don't, to be honest.  Yes, maybe there's a small bit of underlaying truth to some of my ramblings, even the most offensive stuff, but I'm really not as crass, inwardly, as I am outwardly.  If that makes any sense.  I think that I allowed myself to become a characterization of what people, at one point, wanted me to be.  Or maybe I felt like I should be, so I would be accepted more, or judged less.

It's hard to put it into words, and Erin thinks I'm judging myself too harshly.  She loves me because I can always make her laugh or smile, which isn't a bad thing.  She also thinks that I tend to go overboard trying to make other people happy.  I think, if anything, I work harder at helping other people, and try not to ask for help in return when I need it.  Aside from Moving Day, because physical labour is not my friend.  But more emotionally...  It's not like things don't get to me the same as they do other people.  I have this outward ability to shrug things off and hope for the best, but inside I'm a huge ball of stress, same as everyone else.  But I don't communicate that, and I don't look for support when things are overwhelming me.  Even just the emtional, "Yeah, I feel where you're coming from, buddy, but it'll be okay," type of support.  And it's not like I don't have a wealth of friends and family that would give me that support either.  I just can't seem to ask.  I sort've feel like I'm letting people down by getting to that point, because I'm normally the one who tells them things will get better.

There's a lot of things, really, where I often wonder who I would be if I didn't "change" in such drastic ways.  I don't associate with any of the people I grew up with, honestly, which is sad, in a way.  But I walked away from my life in Michigan and did very little looking back.  And it's not so much about who my friends were then, but who I was.  I left myself, and it wasn't the first time I'd transformed myself into a new persona (although it was much more noticable when I was 16 than it was when I was in my early 20's.  Again, probably because I don't associate with the people that knew me then anymore).  Even Erin talks about how, on or around our two year anniversary, I changed, drasticly.  It's when things got better for us, so it's not really a bad thing, but she's been scared that, one day, I'll change again, and she's not prepared for that.

I suppose it's the nature of soul-searching.  You look at yourself and try to figure out how to be a better person, or what makes you who you are, and do you even like who you are, and so on.  When I take those looks, I just... I don't really know who I am.  I see the same outter layers that other people see of me, and I really don't know that it's who I am at all.  Which isn't even to say I don't like who I am on the outside.  And that... that kinda' freaks me out, that maybe, inwardly, I'm not as good a person.  But even without that, just that I'm not this person.  I wonder who else is in there.

What if you were suddenly rich?  And I mean, really, really rich.  And it didn't rely on anyone or anything else.  You wake up one day, and you've suddenly lost all your responsibilities, all your obligations, save the ones you personally feel you want to fulfill as a human being.  I think we all assume we know what would happen first, then maybe second.  We probably each have a list in our heads that's been written, and possibly rewritten, of what we'd do.  But, think beyond that.  Do you move, and leave the people you know and see on a daily basis behind, because there's something in you that's calling you to do something more, to be someplace else?  Do you try to change your appearance, or your status (beyond wealth)?  Is the person you're dating or married to now the person you truly want to be with, or are you suddenly faced with questions about that?  Or does money make it so that you don't want to be with anyone, since you have no one you need to rely on, and, likewise, you can give up having people need to rely on you (worse comes to worse, you can cut them a check and walk away).  And yes, some of these questions, depending on how you answer them, might make you a horrible person.  But without the necesseities of daily life and friends and jobs and so on... maybe you can afford to be that way.  Look at some of the rich, mighty, famous assholes out there, and think about how they decided it was okay to be that way.

A lot of you, I really believe this, a lot of you know the answers to those questions, and without hesitation, I think you'd make the right choices when it comes to how you'd live your lives, because I believe that you're good people.  That's a reason why I added you as friends, either here or in real life.  I don't really like to spend my time with assholes (any more.  Boy, there was a time...).  With me... I assume some things, sure.  But it tears me up sometimes, the questions in my head and my heart, that I don't know 100% who I would be if things suddenly changed.  Because I have changed before.  I've flipped my personas on and off, I've been different things to different people.  Hell, I'm different people day-to-day now, between work, and home, and Friday Nights...  I've often said I have a very tenuous grasp of reality, but I think, more realisticly, I have a tenuous grasp of MY reality, of who I am, really.  I spend so much time in my head, dreaming up things, saying things with no real thought, I'm very unaware of what is real inside of me.  I think I pick up habits so easily, or make very simple rules of what I do and don't do, because it gives me a stability to not ask myself harder questions of what I really want.

I started using a phrase not too long ago.  I didn't realize how much I was using it, and how empty it sounded, until I started hearing it come back to me from other people I'd used it on (and taught it to).

"It is what it is."

It's a very simple, dead thought.  The world is challenging you.  Life, itself, is challenging you.  You need to own up to it, and do something about it.  But, instead, you shrug at it and just accept whatever's coming.  You don't care enough to make it better, and you don't care if it gets a little worse.  Not enough to try to make a difference for yourself.  How's work?  It is what it is.  How's your health?  How're you doing on the budget?  Did you make any progress on your writing this week?  How is your life?  It is what it is.

A life that is what it is... it practically isn't.  Ya' know?

I haven't posted a lot here, in my online journal, because I stopped knowing what to say to people.  I stopped feeling like I had anything to say that was at all important or relevent, or, at the very least, entertaining.  I enjoyed looking into your lives more than I could see anyone enjoying hearing about mine.  And I've got a good life.  I do.  But it has been what it has been more than I've made it to be.  And that's not meant to take anything away from it.  It just means... I should be trying more.  Not even wanting more so much as just trying more, working more.  Even if this is all I want, and it could be that it is, but I doubt that, but even if it was, if this is all it took to make me feel 100% happy and satisfied for the rest of my life...  I should still be working a lot harder to keep it good, to keep it stable.  I should be working harder to keep the people in it happy, so that if they want more, they can have it.

This is what I want to believe is inside of me.  That there's someone in there that is hoping I can be better.  That has higher expectations of me than I often allow myself to try at.  But, honestly, I don't know.  I don't know if this voice I'm listening to, that I'm writing this for, is the real me... or if it's just who I think others want me to be.  As much as I've allowed myself to not care, maybe that's who I really am after all.  And how sad would that be?

Totally disjointed, totally un-edited.  None of it is new, I actually think like this all the time.  I just don't normally talk about it.  The question is, really, will tommorow be any different?


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