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What's to be said?

"Thank god for that Digital Television Conversion coming up!"
Giant antenna just fell off the roof.  Well, at some point today, I assume, as we didn't know or notice it until the neighbor came over complaining that he couldn't get into his backyard because it was blocking his gate.  I need to wait for Corky to get home to help me take it down the rest of the way.  Hope we don't get tetanus.

"I'm getting Botox!"
This is true, actually.  We finally diagnosed the issue I've been having with swallowing and whatnot, when I eat or drink anything (Chris can't make a joke, because he has it too).  It's called "achalasia," and it has several different treatments.  The two I get to try are, first, Botox injections in my throat (the procedure will be similar to when they put that scope down my throat a couple months back, which, being under for, shouldn't be too bad).  The second is surgery, exactly like Chris had, which looked horrific (for him).  Of course, he'd lost nearly a third his body weight by the time he had it, and I... I weigh as much as two of him.  Not really, but it feels like it.  I need to lose weight anyways, before the surgery.  But yeah, good stuff.  At least we know.  My favorite feedback on it so far was from Levi, who said:
"Don't know what to say, truth be told. I'm happy that you may have finally got to the solution for this, but i'm certain it's not really a "happy" occasion to be diagnosed with an uncurable disease. In fact, i KNOW it sucks."

"Vacation, all I ever wanted..."
Erin and I are just a day or so away from taking our trip (with a ton of her friends) up to Red Bluff for the rodeo.  I still have no idea what to say or think about this.  It's only for the weekend, really, but we both need a real break, away from everything, and this is the closest we'll get to that for a while.  I've been growing my beard for the last couple months, both as a request from Erin (who just likes me with a beard), and as a personal challenge to myself to see if I could deal with it for any length of time (I cannot).  I expect it'll be gone the Sunday night we get back.  Either way, a rodeo is not something either of us ascribe to being a "good time," but hanging out with her friends and just.. not dealing with work or falling antennas would be nice.

"And now, the scary part."
Corky got some news about work, where he'll be taking a huge paycut.  It starts immediately, but they're doing some balancing of things to make it hurt less over the next 9 months with quarterly payouts to even things out.  It's an odd system, but it means that, beginning of next year, things get really scary for him.  Which means things get tougher for all of us together.  The fact of it is, we already have a very tenuous hold on or living situation, with the house and the day-to-day and so on, that a hit like this can casue us to lose grip pretty fast.  But a lot can (possibly) change in nine months, and it's really lit a fire under him to make things work with his artwork, starting up the business with the studeo, and just trying to do more for himself than for work.  Currently, my job seems to be intact, and Erin's doing all right.  But if one of those two trips up...   Well, the house stress would go away by default, you know?

I also just got told that my father has been laid off.  My step-mother had been a while ago.  I want to be in a position to help my family while they're having such a hard time, and I'm just... not.  I'm also on the other side of the country from them, so it's hard to feel like I'm being supportive at all.

I've never felt so uncertain about the future before.  Or pessamistic, I guess.  Usually I'm the one who holds on to hope (due mostly to me leading such a charmed life).  Lately, that's been tough.

"And, finally, what's keeping me a well-rounded person... other than Little Debbie Snacks."
I'm making slight headway on the comic.  Very slight.  The first two issues/first storyarc was done some time ago (as far as my first draft, but I think I'll go back and fix it before Levi gets to it), and I'm about 8 pages into the new story, and I'm stuck.  Mostly because of not being able to work on it at lunch anymore (work policy change that I don't quite understand), but mostly because my brain is just gasping for breaths, as it were.  It takes a lot of effort to get to a point where I can think.  And be comfortable.  As I was trying to write on the chair the other night, I had such excruciating heartburn (getting aclimated with the new medicie since last week) that I wound up moving around the house, hoping I wasn't going to die, thinking maybe I'd be better off, and just... didn't write, you know?  I'm also very tired and prone to naps on my days off.  Easily distracted by the things that allow me to switch off, like TV and Animal Crossing.  I don't want to be this way, but I don't feel like I'm firing on all cylanders enough to be any differnt right now.  Hopefully, the weekend away will fix that somewhat.

A client of mine (from a couple weeks ago) has a daughter that's written for television for years.  Written for shows that I watch and enjoy.  And we talked about my writing (the client and I, I've not met or contacted the daughter) and such, and she was very interested and encouraging.  And I've had other clients that work in creative fields and such, and I keep thinking... why am I not doing this?  What happened to these people that they wound up working creatively and I didn't?  And I realize, if I'd really wanted it to be that way, I would've done it.  Somehow, I would've found my way into it.  I just don't think I knew enough or cared enough at that point to try.  To really make an effort towards it.

I've made a lot of excuses for what I haven't accomplished as far as my writing.  I've let myself off the hook a lot.  I think I'm over that now.  Or at least getting over it.  I don't have any expectations of what I will or won't accomplish.  I just know that I'm going to try, for something.  Something more than this.  I feel like the Levi comic is a great start (far better of a start than I deserve).  I also really am excited that Corky is moving on his art, and is talking about what we, not just he, are going to accomplish together when things start moving.  And if I have some magic offer fall into my lap again, like has happened so many times to me before when I wasn't ready for it... I'm going to jump on it this time.  I won't risk my home or my family, but I'm going to take it extremely seriously.  And, in the meanwhile, I'm not going to wait for it to flop down there on its own anyways.

There.  I think we're caught up.

Date: 2009-04-16 03:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormchaser-d20.livejournal.com
Did they say how often you would need to get the Botox? If I recall it seemed pretty often.

Date: 2009-04-16 03:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nancyn.livejournal.com
After crying on the drive home from work, your post helped me put things in perspective. Sorry to hear about your father & pay cuts for your friend.

I think what you said is just right:
"trying to do more for himself than for work"

That's quickly going to become my motto. I think that's the only way one can survive these days.

Date: 2009-04-20 02:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] purekitte.livejournal.com
wow i'm really sorry to hear about your achalasia... it doesn't sound pleasant at all :(

i know EXACTLY how helpless you feel about your father losing his job... and not being able to lend a hand. i am in that same boat right now. my father lost his job back in august and is still looking. i guess those of us who have jobs should feel so lucky to have them... but i wonder every day how anyone can survive off of less that $28k per year. (it's what i make and i'm barely getting by at all!!) as soon as i think i have things figured out i'm back on the bottom again, cycle of life. we've just got to try to do what we can and be supportive as others try to do the same.

i'll put your family in my thoughts... and i'll be sending you "lucky" juju!

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